From the Desk of

I’m starting to wonder if my recent, sudden desire to be a flight attendant has to do with a subconscious hope that I’ll get killed somehow.

So I mentioned I made a list of more than 25 things hoping I would hit 25 of them before my next birthday, and as of yesterday (or next Monday) I crossed five things off the list.

Let’s start with swimming.  This is kind of the problem with processes.  When do I consider it done?  This is no longer on the list, but originally I had “learn to speak Spanish.”  Should I be fluent enough to hold a small talk conversation?  Or is it enough if I can make myself understood with my broken Spanish?  Anyway, I put down next Monday as the completion date for learning to swim because that’s when the class is over.  But I did pretty well in class last Monday, so I figured I could cross it off early.  I’ll still need a lot of practice, but I don’t aspire to know all the different strokes and stuff, just some basic survival skills and to be able to swim well enough to dare to venture into natural bodies of water (which I’m not there yet, not even for the basic survival skills :( - I can’t tread water :/).  But I figure I know enough to not immediately drown, so I can consider it done.

The first thing I crossed off the list (8 days into the new year!) was writing a story.  It was a pretty horrible story, the writing was nowhere near decent, but I was in one of my moods and I sat down and churned out a story.  I think I should aim for a novel.  It doesn’t have to be good; I just want to be able to complete it.  I’m okay with short stories, but I can’t seem to work out a well-rounded story in novel length.  It’ll be an exercise in developing characters and plots and stuff :).  I just need to find something to write about…

Second thing off the list was learning CPR.  Granted, I would probably panic and forget everything if I was in a situation that required it, and I definitely don’t feel comfortable telling authorities or whatnot that I’m CPR-certified (which is a joke really, because I don’t see how an 8hr class can make you certified).  I keep picking up books from the library to refresh my knowledge, but I have so many other books to read I never get around to those.  Maybe I should buy a book and make myself read a chapter a day or something.

Taking yoga es el número tres.  I had to put yoga and swimming on my list because all through college I would add and drop yoga and swimming classes.  Every single quarter, without fail.  It was usually one or the other, and sometimes both, but every single quarter I sign up for one of the classes and then drop them before I do anything.  The closest I got was a Pilates class - I went the first day, then dropped it afterwards.  So I finally took a yoga class at the gym.  I also took a Pilates class at the gym :D.  I would like to take more yoga classes, but it doesn’t really fit my schedule right now.

And for the last item I’ve crossed off my list so far - I got a bikini wax yesterday :D.  I don’t know why this is on my list, and I regret doing it.  I don’t have a very high tolerance for pain (not the slow, pulsating kind that’s always there in the back of your mind and comes forward in a surge when your brain isn’t occupied with anything else :/ - it doesn’t actually hurt, so maybe it’s just more a nuisance than anything), and I don’t even wear shorts, but I think since I’ve learned how to swim I figured it might be nice to have when I decide to go to the beach or something.  I don’t know.  It wasn’t a good idea.

So it’s kind of nice seeing things being crossed off the list (I’ve been using an orange highlighter :D so it’s super obvious :D).  I have a bunch of things I can probably get done in a few weeks (there are also a lot of things that I could’ve gotten done immediately, but I was either too lazy or too scared or too something else to do).  Next on the list, donating hair.  I’m going to chop all my hair off after my cousin’s wedding next Saturday (damn it I thought it was this Saturday :/ now I have to wait another week).  Maybe I’ll do a couple of the other things before donating hair, I don’t have time to wait two weeks :/.

I had the worst sleep ever last night -____-.  I took a crapass nap during the day, which made my headache even worse than before I took the nap, and then I fell into a heavy sleep but I was still aware.  Like, I can feel my body lying motionless under the covers, but I couldn’t move and other than the awareness I was for all intents and purposes asleep.  I don’t know how long that lasted, and I wasn’t completely aware, but I felt like I didn’t get any rest at all :(.

I’m reading a book on sound, and they mentioned listening to audiobooks.  I’ve never listened to an audiobook.  I guess it’s cuz I prefer to read things in my own voice, at my own pace, instead of having someone else put their ideas into the story.  And honestly :D, I think I read faster than audiobooks :D.

*sigh*  I think I’d like to try event planning or stage managing.  I regret not taking the stage management class before I changed my major, but I was so scared at the time hahaha, overwhelmed.  And now it’s too late…  Yeah, but we went into the theater last week to clear the stage, and it brought back all these memories.  I miss being backstage.  I miss the high of being in the midst of a show.  I don’t need to be on stage; in fact, I’d probably burn out if I had to be on stage so often.  If I’m going to try that, I’d have to start interning or something, from the ground up.  But given that I don’t have any experience anywhere, I’d have to start all over anyway.  I just don’t know if I can afford to :/.  But obviously, if I were to get a hob I won’t have time to intern :(.  So I don’t know what I’m going to do :/.

I’m pretty exhausted from all the swimming and exercise and stuff :(.  I’m working really hard to get rid of all the squishy in my arms before my stupid cousin’s wedding that I don’t even want to go to anymore.  I’m also not getting anywhere with my 25 Before 25, but I’m hoping to make a big dent in the list starting next month.  We’re in the home stretch now, so I gotta get moving sigh.

I’m probably the only person who feels like this, but I don’t like to “like” random things on Facebook.  I feel like I should only “like” things I truly like; otherwise it’s dishonest.  Which brings me to my current dilemma - friends asking me to like things as a show of support.

I feel obligated to support them; they’re my friends, it’s what friends do.  But true friends wouldn’t be asking me to lie, to go against my principles.  I shouldn’t be asked to “like” a band whose music I would never listen to or “like” a painting that does nothing for me emotionally or even aesthetically.  I know other people “like” all kinds of random stuff just because other people ask them to like it, and I definitely don’t judge them for doing that, but it always feels like I’m more considerate of other people’s feelings than they are of mine.

Another thing that makes me mad is when people assume I’m happy to do things for them.  All the examples I can think of right now revolve around driving people places lol.  The last time this happened was when I had to drive someone home from my house.  We went somewhere earlier in the day, then she wanted to walk around the area.  She left her bag in my car, so we came back to get it at the end of the day, and the stupid bitch just got in and sat there!  She didn’t even ask if I could give her a ride home or anything, she just sat down and closed the door!  What the FUCK!  The least she could’ve done was say, hey I don’t have enough money to take the bus, could you give me a ride.  That is forgivable, but how can you be so inconsiderate to assume it’s okay to make someone leave their own home to take your ass home?  I’m fine with doing favors for people; I don’t mind driving a friend to work or picking someone up from the airport, as long as they ask.  Nicely, lol.  But like I said about paying, we didn’t come out of the same vagina, so I don’t need to drive you anywhere.  I think maybe this is why people tend to hang out with other people of the same ethnicity; you both have the same beliefs and values and follow the same social norms.

This is kinda petty of me, but there’s this certain type of person in a classroom setting I dislike.  Well, I’m not sure if I dislike them, or if I’m justified in thinking negative thoughts about them lol.  But there’s this guy in ballet who asks questions he doesn’t need the answer to, or questions he already knows the answer to.  You know how teachers always say you should ask questions even if you think they might be stupid, because other people might have the same question?  Well, this guy is the class question-asker.  He asks all these questions so that other people who are too shy to ask won’t have to.  See what I mean?  I can’t decide if he’s nice or condescending.  He already knows all the answers to the questions he’s asking, so it’s obvious he’s asking for other people’s sakes, and sometimes it feels like he thinks people don’t know the things he’s asking, like he’s trying to fill gaps in people’s knowledge (which implies he’s assuming peoplehavegaps in their knowledge).  So that assumption makes me feel like I’m justified in disliking him, but there’s also the fact that he’s helping a lot of people.  I guess what I’m grappling with is the ends vs means dilemma.

What annoyed me today was his deciding to stand in front of me at the barre.  I was near the end of a barre, so there was no one for me to follow.  By taking the spot in front of me, I felt like he was saying I can’t be trusted to do barre correctly, and that all the people behind me need someone else to follow.  While I’m happy to ignore his incessant question asking, this feels like an affront to my person.

I’m sick of my wannabe photographer friend.  This photography angle has run its course.  I don’t want to go places with her, cuz I’m trying to experience life and she’s looking at me through the camera.  Also, she hasn’t let me see any of the pics she took of me.  It’s like, even if she doesn’t use them (for whatever reason), she should at least let me see them, the pics areof me.  At this point I’m feeling petty enough to sue her if she puts my image on her business website lol.

Okay, moving on from all that ranting lol.

Hahaha today in the locker room after swimming, I was standing in my underwear without feeling uncomfortable and I thought to myself, if I spent almost three months in nothing but a swimsuit around these people, I can definitely get naked around them lol.  They’ve more or less seen everything there is to see hahahaha.

I’m so excited for the Alice in Wonderland ballet!!!!!  I don’t like modern ballet; it’s either ballet, or it’s contemporary.  I was worried this ballet would be one of those modern ones, like the last Cinderella that came through town.  But this looks like a traditional ballet with comic and modern twist, which I love!  I saw the trailer and it looks so fun :D.  I can’t wait to see it :D :D.  I just don’t have anyone to go watch it with :(.

I loveGrimm, it might be my favorite show at the moment :D.  I also loveDon’t Trust the B in Apt 23, the B has such a Holly Golightly/Gloria Wandrous attitude.  I’ve also stopped watchingGlee, I have no interest to pick it up again, even off Hulu lol.  I’m actually starting to get tired of a lot of shows I used to watch.

Tired~

I was hoping to go to the gym this morning, since I haven’t been in over a week, but I’ve been feeling horrible all week and was planning to sleep in today (didn’t work -_____- woke up before 8 like always).  I’m in a sort of stressed out mood this week…

A lot of it had to do with the conversation I had with my cousin last night.  In hindsight I probably shouldn’t have IMed her, but it’s rare that I see her online (probably because I don’t go on any sort of chat program lol and I just happened to log on for the first time in like a month last night :D) so I just said hi, and then we started talking about my unemployment -_____- which kinda depressed me, and we were chatting for a while too, which kept me up later than my usual bedtime (an added dose of crankiness this morning -___-).  And for some reason (probably because I was feeling all beat up), I decided to read the comments the professor left me on my concert critique paper.  The comments were very mild, but in the mood I was in, it felt like a direct attack :(.  So I went to bed pretty defeated :(.

I’ve gotten leg cramps every time I’ve been in the pool :(.  I’m sure having ballet before swimming doesn’t help, but it feels like more than that.  I should probably do some research and maybe eat some bananas and warm up before going into the water.  I also think I should breathe more lol, I have this bad habit of not breathing when I try to swim :(.

I was going to buy myself this engagement-esque ring.  I don’t like other people buying me stuff in general, jewelry/clothes in particular, because they don’t understand my tastes and style so inevitably I have to get rid of all the stuff people have given me over the years.  Anyway, so I saw this ring, and it was really pretty, a little too sparkly for my tastes but not so gaudy that I can’t make it work.  I’ve always been looking for an engagement-esque ring to stop sleazy guys from hitting on me, because for some reason I attract scumbags -______-.  But I can’t decide what size to get, cuz all the exercise I’m getting has shrunk my fingers a bit, so they’re no longer fat enough for my rings :(.  Do I get the size that currently fits my finger, or do I get the size I’m going to be in like two weeks :/.  And I’m really particular about rings, because I don’t like to wear them on multiple fingers, so I buy rings for a specific finger.  So if I keep losing weight, the ring will no longer fit its intended finger :(.  Another part of me is also hoping that I’ve stopped attracting sleazy guys (I haven’t been hit on it a while :), feels great lol) therefore negating the need for such a ring.

I haven’t been reading.  I’m not sure if that’s a symptom or a side effect :/.  Am I not reading because I’m depressed, or is my not reading a sign of my depression :/?  Sounds like a chicken-or-egg question…

I’ve been wanting to bake, but I didn’t feel like it when the weather was all gloomy, and now the weather is getting hot, so I don’t know if I wanna turn my oven on anymore. Sigh.  I need to get away from here.

I wish I was put in the center of the line for the jazz piece.  It’s easier for me to do a tour en l’air than the chaine, but no one else is doing the tour and I’m fourth in a line of five -_______- so it looks all lopsided if I’m the only one doing it.

My cousin’s wedding is coming up and I don’t have anything to wear :/.  I was gonna wear the same dress I wore to the last wedding, since it was in the middle of winter and I didn’t even take my coat off lol, but it’s not a summer dress, so I don’t really want to wear it.  I also can’t wear white (for obvious reasons), purple/yellow (those are her theme colors), pink (too feminine, cuz I’m aiming for elegance, and also because her dress/hair/makeup is going to be super feminine - I want to be a foil to her character lolz), red (which is the equivalent of white), black (color of my dress and so not summery lol).  I don’t like how I look in blue, unless it’s a navy or midnight or one of those deep dark blues.  I think I’d want to wear a jewel toned green, but that’s not a color of the season right now so it’s hard to find.  Maybe I should find a multi-colored dress lol.  Or make my own.  Ugh I really don’t want to do that again, my prom dress was a failure :(.

I shot someone in cold blood.  In a dream.  I don’t remember much else, but it was a dark warehouse-y room with a fireman’s pole, and all these people I knew were huddled around (I wonder if I was planning to shoot them all), I’m not sure who was there, but a bunch of people I don’t really care for.  There was this one guy, the guy I shot, I’m not even sure if I know him, but I felt this tremendous hatred for him, but detached, like I hate him but it’s not raging in me or anything.  He was also huddled on the floor, I had a rifle that I shot at him with one hand (how badass is that :D).  He was only like three or four feet away, but there weren’t any bullets in the rifle.  I shot at him like twice and only air came out.  The fireman’s pole was in the way a bit, that’s how I remembered there was a pole lol.  I was mocking the guy the entire time, not saying much but you could hear it in my tone of voice.  One of my minions handed me another rifle, I walked around the pole, and shot the guy again.  Turns out it was loaded with tranquilizer darts :/.

So I’m at another one of my biannual midlife crises.  This one seems to be lasting a bit longer than the previous ones.  I’m going to give myself the rest of the month to wallow in my misery, then I gotta do something about it.

Speaking of doing something, I haven’t been making progress on my list of 25 :/.  Maybe I should tackle the list while waiting for my midlife crisis to blow over.

So instead of reading five different books at the same time, I’ve been dedicating my time to this book :).  It’s obviously not an engrossing and thrilling page-turner, but personally it was very interesting, because I am very much an introvert, and one of my lifelong hobbies is learning more about myself lol.

It was pretty funny because I spent a lot of the book going “Hey! That’s me!”  Of course, it wasn’t all me, but there was a lot of it that I related to.  I’m having trouble picking which points to talk about, since it seems like the book is more or less variations on a theme.

While I’ve always considered myself an introvert, there are a lot of negative connotations associated with the word, and I would never admit it out loud if the topic came up.  The book tries to change the belief that being an extrovert is better than being an introvert, and to promote the usage of both words in a neutral descriptive sense.

I’ve never sought out leadership roles; I used to say we can’t all be leaders, cuz then there wouldn’t be anyone to lead.  A few exceptions would be if I had some sort of creative vision, such as working on dance pieces or that rather botched attempt at putting on a kpop music show for Korean class, or if I’m organizing an outing (because some of my friends are so wishy-washy and indecisive).  I don’t always enjoy it, but I am somewhat of a control freak/perfectionist, so it fits in with that part of my personality (mainly it’s cuz I don’t trust other people to do things right).

The point that stood out to me most clearly in the book was that introverts and extroverts crave different levels of stimulation.  Extroverts flourish in crowds, they draw from that energy.  I’ve certainly felt the pull of an energetic crowd; there’s a certain sort of high you get from concerts and clubs and sports games and such.  But I always feel drained after the high wears off.  Sometimes I feel drained even if it’s just a day out (and I mean a full day, like morning/noon to evening) with a few friends.  I definitely can’t work all day and go out afterwards, I probably wouldn’t be able to get up the next morning o_O.

The book also mentioned that introverts prefer one-on-one interactions and discussions of more serious topics.  I definitely don’t like small talk; it makes me uncomfortable, mainly because the answers to questions like how I’ve been or what I do for a living or questions about my family (cuz I really hate talking about my family).  I am comfortable debating euthanasia or a book or some philosophical idea (not completely comfortable, but more so than making small talk lol).  I get so annoyed with people who beat around the bush (from an objective point of view, it’s probably just polite small talk lol), like my mom.  When she calls people, she always goes into this spiel about whether the person ate yet (it’s a Chinese thing) and how they’ve been and stuff before she gets to the point, and it drives me crazy!  I get to the point right away because I don’t want to inconvenience the other person by taking up more of their time than I need to (I think this is mentioned in the section about Eastern vs Western cultures).

Another thing I completely related to is being uncomfortable brainstorming and discussing in groups.  I don’t talk in class.  Never.  The only class I actively participated in was intro to linguistics, and even then I didn’t say anything until the second half of the semester lol.  I felt confident speaking in linguistics because I knew I had something to contribute, whereas in all my other classes I wasn’t completely sure of myself, so I don’t say anything.  I also don’t like brainstorming because sometimes I feel like my ideas are dumb or wrong.  I also respond better to constructive criticism, such as suggestions for how to do things better, and I get really prickly when people tell me not to do things (which is basically my entire relationship with my mother).

Not all the introvert characteristics fit me.  The one I recall off the top of my head is that introverts stick to problems longer.  I don’t know if I stay with a problem longer than average, but I do know I get frustrated and give up easily (as shown by all the half-finished Sudoku, crossword, Jumble puzzles I have lying around).

Overall, it was a very interesting read, and I learned a lot about myself :).  I would recommend it, but I know a lot of people don’t like to read, and the ones who do don’t like nonfiction, so I guess I’ll keep it to myself :).

4/27/2012: She also did a talk at TED (forgot to link it earlier lol)

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!  So the jazz class I’m taking, the instructor wants to “offer [her] encouragement” for me to audition for the company during their annual auditions, she said that I’d be “a good candidate for the company.”

First reaction:  “Awww, that’s so sweet.”

I kid you not, that was the first thought I had.  I’ve had so little support for my dancing.  My mother makes me feel guilty for wasting time and money (she doesn’t know the concept but she can wield opportunity cost as a weapon).  My sister isn’t opposed to it but I don’t think she believes it’s worth pursuing (I’m pretty sure she’s only for it because I’m fat and she’ll support whatever form of exercise I choose).  My friends think it’s really cool and do whatever they do to encourage me and whatnot, but they don’t really understand what it means.  In simpler terms, the little support I do get from friends and family is due to the fact that they’re friends and family - you support each other unless you think they’re making a monumental mistake.  So while I appreciate it, I feel like it doesn’t validate what I was doing.

So when someone who does understand what it’s all about compliments me, it means a lot.  It’s that same warm and fuzzy feeling I got when this Hispanic woman called me mama (I’m not sure how to explain this one, and it’s too long for this post, so maybe next time…).  And the instructor’s really cute, she hasn’t grown out of her baby face (hence the “awwww” lol).

I know the encouragement to audition doesn’t guarantee a spot in the company, but it shows that she believes in me and my abilities, which is a very comforting thought, especially right now when I’m doubting everything about myself.

The only problem is, I don’t think I want to be a dancer anymore.  Okay, that’s not true, but my priorities have definitely changed.  I’m aware of my limitations; I’m not an amazing dancer and I don’t have as much potential as I used to.  I won’t be making enough money to live off dance (right now I don’t even know if the company pays, though I assume they would, however meager).  And there’s the fact that I’m a very cerebral person.  While I enjoy exercise and love dance as exercise and art, I need to use my brain.  Dance doesn’t offer enough mental stimulation for me to be happy in the long term.  I don’t think that I ever completely believed it would, even at the height of my I’m-going-to-be-a-dancer phase.  Because if I did, I would’ve tried harder to make it work.

Despite the irregularity in my dancing, I do believe I’m a better dancer now than I was at my height three years ago.  A lot of that has to do with maturing and gaining confidence and knowing my own body better.  But it’s also because I’ve matured and because I know myself better that I won’t audition for the company.  I’ve no doubt that I can make it into their apprentice program; I’ve seen some of the other members, and I know I’m a better dancer than some of them.  I just don’t think I have the drive anymore.

There are a bunch of little things too, like how I don’t particularly like their style of dance (I saw their company perform a while ago, and it’s not really my style, even though some of the dances are fun to do) and how the company members are so clique-y (they don’t seem to talk to other people in class, even though they are super friendly when they do talk to you).  Even the friendliness is bad, because they seem like genuinely nice people, which makes them too soft to withstand my sharp sense of humor (I’m pretty sure if I ever get comfortable enough to be myself around them, a few will die of internal bleeding).  So overall it wouldn’t be a good fit for either of us.

That said, I need to get back to peeling myself off the floor and moving on with my life :)